Diligently Seeking God
Before I Say Goodbye
(For any who have lost a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly; especially a father. If something ever happened to me in such a way, this is what I'd want my girls to know.)
From: Dad
To: My Girls
Before I Say Goodbye...
This is the "goodbye" I wish we had time for. I wish we could've hugged one last time before I left. I wish we could've lingered in the living room one more time, and then again at the door, and then again on the porch, and then again at the car as we said a final goodbye. I wish we could've had one more walk together, one more smile, one more wave goodbye. I wish I could've given you one more kiss on the cheek and gotten one more back as well. But this will have to do.
Before I say goodbye, I have to tell you... that you were the greatest gifts from God that I never knew I needed in life. I couldn't be more thankful that God did know what I needed. I needed you.
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know that I was scared to be a Dad to girls, but that's because I didn't know the girls God would bless me with. I was worried I couldn't handle one girl... so He gave me two. Two beautiful bundles of joy and sweetness with cake and cherry and whipped cream and sprinkles on top!
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know how special you are. You are not like anyone I have ever known. You are both so different from one another, so special, so unique, and so mine. I'm not just thankful God gave me two girls... I'm thankful He gave me you.
Before I say goodbye, you need to know that you were the answer to my prayers. I asked God for patience and He gave me you. I asked God for forgiveness and He gave me you. I asked God for strength and He gave me you. I asked God for courage and He gave me you. I asked God for joy and happiness and He gave me you. I asked God for peace and contentment and He gave me you. I asked God for care and compassion and He gave me you. I asked God for love… true love, pure love, boundless love... and He gave me you.
Before I say goodbye, you need to know how proud I am of you. Every day. Every single day. Every day I have been proud to be your father. You have been precious and beloved children and you have made fatherhood a privilege and a joy. An absolute joy. You are great children, that are good and kind and caring to others. You are thoughtful, conscientious, smart, and wise. You are good kids who love God and your family and each other. When people say your name, I am proud to step forward and claim you as my own. You have made me proud with your heart and with your choices. Know that.
Before I say goodbye, I need you to know how much I appreciate how kind and forgiving you have been to me as your father. Though I have tried to be a great Dad to you, and for you, I know many times I have failed. Many times I was not there when I wanted to be. Many times I was rough when I should have been soft and soft when I should've been tough. I know I haven't always said the right thing or done the right thing, but you have shown me grace, and I thank you for that. Grace and forgiveness are two of the purest and deepest expressions of love. Thank you for that love.
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know that I wish we had more time. But we don't. We have what we have. I'm sorry I was gone so suddenly and unexpectedly and the heartache you endured because of that. Some people are blessed with days. Others are blessed with decades. We do not know the rhyme or reason as to why. We have what we have, and that is a gift from God. The present, is the present from God... it is the gift, and let us cherish the moments and memories for the gifts that they are. I wish we had more time to say goodbye; to hug, to embrace, to cry together and console each other. I wish we did, but we don't. We just have this. This is our goodbye. It will have to be enough to hold us over... until we can embrace in the glory of heaven.
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know that I do NOT want you to live your life in regret or guilt towards me in any way. Don't think you didn't say "I love you" enough, or that you didn't spend enough time with me, or call or visit enough. Just know, that every second of every day, your happiness was my happiness. Your joy was my joy. Your living was my life. That you were always with me in my heart wherever I was. That every breath I took was with thanksgiving to God for every moment we had each other in this world. You are my girls, and one of my greatest joys is to just be... to just be your Dad.
Before I say goodbye, I want you to know it'll never be enough. There will never be enough ink, enough paper, or enough time to give you a proper goodbye. There would be no end to the advice I'd want to give you, the stories I'd want to share with you, the "I love you"s I'd want to say to you. There would never be enough time to fill how much I want to hear you talk... just hear your voice. To listen to you. There would not be a hug long enough nor an embrace tight enough where I could in honesty say, "Ok, that's good. That's enough. I'm ready to say goodbye." This is not "enough"... it's not... it never will be... but it'll have to do.
Before I say goodbye, what I really have to say, what I really need you to hear, what I really need you to know... is that I love you. I need you to know that. I need you to believe it with all of your heart. I need you to believe it every single second of every single day for the rest of your life without any doubt. I love you. I love you, and by the grace and mercy and kindness of God, I can't wait to see you again in heaven. Live your life. Live a good life. Live a godly life. Live a happy and blessed and thankful life, and know... that I love you.
Before I say goodbye, I need you to hear that one last time... and hold onto it forever. I love you. 
